In the past I considered my purpose to exactly and directly follow commandments of Bible. I had some purposes hardly set as the aim of my life. My life was driven by these purposes not by my wish or my heart.
I understood that it was wrong, Bible is more subtle than just a list of commandments, and my religion has changed.
This way I had a trouble which is similar to a problem with angels. Angels are purpose driven and the evil appears when some angles have even a slightly different purposes as they disturb to each other to follow their plans.
Thinking I must become a missionary accordingly God’s will, I abandoned my math research as not useful to reach the set purposes. After my religion has changed I returned to math research which I started while was studying in a university. I now do math research amateur. Why I do math research?
I believe in Christ and am a child of God. What a child must do? It must play. A child which does not play is a bad child.
I expect that the results of my math research may (probably in a somehow distant future) positively affect technology and economy. This way I would be motivated to do it, as Bible teaches to do good deals. But is it really important? If it were then angels would handle down math books from heavens. Be sure angels know math better than we do. This does not happen and thus I assume math research is not really useful. It is just a game.
I mean we people can do nothing useful. What God wants from us are ourselves not our deals. Our attempt to follow commandments was void. Indeed in Gospel church is compared with a fiancee of Christ. From a fiancee we would expect herself to be attractive for the bride not her deals as she isn’t a cook or a bag of money but the object of love herself.
So now I play. Math research is my favorite game.
When I was attempting to follow commandments as I was understanding the straight sense of Bible, I was a somehow greedy person because I felt I need money to implement my plans of implementation of what I considering the will of God for me.
The trouble that I was somehow greedy is solved. But now appears a different problem. I’ve become somehow lazy. I’m not motivated to do my work hardly to make more results. It is not just the results of our work would matter, it does not matter, but the motivation itself matters. I need a better motivation. Just saying “work harder” is not enough, I need an intrinsic reason to work.
Can you motivate me?